I am a lucky, lucky girl

I was lying in bed last night and I realized something, I've never had a bad birthday.

When I was a kid my mum always made a big deal about birthdays. We got parties with games, treasure hunts, and one time I had a costume party where I was Princess Jasmine.

And my last 3 birthdays have been pretty awesome. This year I got to turn 21 in a country I'd never been to before, bungy jumped, and then came home to a party with all my favourite people. I even got to wear a tiara!

Last year I turned 20 in Venice, my second favourite city after London. Possibly the most romantic, amazing, mind blowing city to spend your birthday in.

And the year before I really wasn't feeling my birthday. I woke up feeling bleh, another year feeling like I wasn't completely whole and that my broken heart wasn't completely healed. But then my friends threw me a surprise party that I was actually surprised about.

So 21 years and not a single bad birthday. I hope it stays that way. I love all of you who've made my birthdays special in some way.

I'll have my cake...and it eat it too

Belated birthday posting! I spent my 21st in Auckland by design. I wanted to avoid a big party at home (though that kinda happened). So I figured a great way to spend my birthday would be with some people I really loved in a place I'd never seen.

Oh and also jumping off the Auckland harbour bridge but that's a story for a different post.

The night before my birthday Marsha and I went to bed and then she got up and said she had to do some work for her mum. I was like huh? So late?? What are you doing. And she was like urgghhh I dunno lah she's gonna piss me off.

Then as I tried to sleep I heard some very strange noises coming from the kitchen. It sounded like she was drilling! I was in half a mind to have a look when it occurred to me she was making my birthday cake. Hehehe. And I knew she's be royally pissed if I did spoil the surprise. So I stayed in bed.



And I was right! She made me a red velvet cake! One of my faves.


The candles kept relighting. I had to blow them out a few times. Inset a dirty joke about my blowing abilities.

I forgot to make a wish until I was cutting. Haha. It was yummy! And I was so touched that Marsha made me a cake. I don't know if I had even mentioned to her before that I liked Red Velvet cake. But it was gorgeous and the nicest thing to have sitting out for me on my birthday.

Thank you Marshy Parshy!

Apologies

Okay so the ol bloggedy blog blog is a little neglected. I promise I have things to post. I am being thwarted by my camera being on the fritz. So when that's sorted I promise more postings!

This is How Deborah Lives Life

I think that I've changed a lot. I noticed some of the changes, and others were pointed out to me by people I've recently met.

I'm not as shy as I used to be but I still think of myself as socially awkward.

I'm not as angry and pissed off as I used to be. I've finally realized that hating people and things takes up a lot of energy and that energy is better channeled into something more productive. Yes Rachel, you can say I told you so.

I'm a lot more cautious now.

I used to be really impulsive, and I never saw it as a bad thing. But when I got older I could see how the whole leaping before looking thing can not work out so great. So I've been trying to be a little more careful.

It's great and all not completely falling all over the place and waking up in the morning not going, "Oh shit...did I really do that?"

But it's also kind of boring. And sometimes it's really boring.

In the last few weeks I've discovered that my impulsiveness (spontaneity?) isn't completely dead. And I'm glad.

Winter Holidays

I've been referring to these last few months as summer. Because at the end of summer I go to school in NY.

But I'm in New Zealand now, and it's winter here. I underestimated the weather. I thought I could handle it no problem. I'm alright though it can get a little cold. I was freezing yesterday even though everyone else seemed fine.

This holiday is everything I expected it to be. A long sleepover...with late nights spent talking, DVD marathons, lots and lots and lots of junk food, and some drinking (if there wasn't any drinking you know it's not me on holiday).

I'm too lazy to blog about anything else. I took pictures the other day though this holiday has been pretty light on the photos. Also we haven't done anything AMAZING. Yet. Watch this space for updates. ;)

My night started out bleh.

Graduated to ok.

Then went to full out awesome.

How could it not? Any night you find a Russian model grinding on you is ok by me.

Oh yeah.

;)

I'm fehmus behbeh

So the other day I was hanging out with Sharm at Oldtown Kopitiam because she needed to check some work on her Mac somewhere with wifi.

We were minding our own business when this lady approached us and asked if we would like to participate in a short survey. She said that it would only take a few minutes. The survey was about spelling.

They wanted to test our spelling. I look straight at Sharm and burst out laughing (she is going to kill me for telling you this, but then she doesn't read my blog, and if you are sorry!). Me and Sharm used to take literature tuition together and our teacher was always pointing out her spelling mistakes.

So she told the lady I would do it. She gave me ten words to spell and I did, while I was spelling there was a photographer who was snapping away. It was a little discomfiting having the camera clicking away.

Anyway I got 7 out of 10 words correct. I spelled pronunciation and millenium wrongly, and manoevure too. Though apparently correctly in American English. It came out in the papers. You can read it here.

The picture isn't as bad as I thought it would be. But Miss Tyra would say,

"Girrrrrrl where's your neck at?"

*arches neck arches neck*

Lol.

Hope and a Cosmo

So I've been babbling a lot about how I'm worried about my US visa and all the blah blah blah that's involved with going away to another country. The last time I applied for an important visa it got declined so I was pretty nervous about this one.

I couldn't imagine anything worse than having my student visa declined. Everyone told me it would be fine but I was still worried. So I decided to power dress. I always do this when I'm nervous. Rely on clothes or some kind of accessory to make me feel better. I have had so many lucky dresses/shoes/bags it's not funny.

I decided I wanted to project Audrey Hepburn. Grown up but still fun. I woke up anxious but hopeful. I even managed to smile!


I have a problem smiling for the camera when told to smile on cue. My visa photo is pretty awful I look PISSED OFF. Lol. This is the closest I can get to friendly and approachable in a posed picture.

I bought this dress specially for the occasion. I figured it was elegant and still comfortable. Also it made me look more grown up. I look about fifteen normally. Recently this aunty asked me if I was in Form 1!!!!

The other kids applying for visas at the American Embassy were a lot more casually dressed. Either in a simple collared shirt and jeans, or a kid version of formal. You know what I mean. Boys who are trying to look more grown up but don't have the formal clothes to pull it off.

A striped dress shirt with a tie, pants that are not slacks. Girls who don't have a nicely cut shirt that looks awkward or an ill fitting skirt.

Anyways it took forever and at one point I wanted to pee soooo badly but I didn't dare go to the bathroom in case they called my number. The interview went pretty well.

Except for the guy implying I've been a slacker for the last 3 years of my life.

Visa dude: So is this a graduate program?
Me: No, it's an undergraduate program.
VD (hahahaha VD): But you're like 21/22. What have you been doing since you left school?
Me: Well I did A levels and then I took a year off.
VD: So you've just been relaxing?

Kurang ajar betul!! Lol. He was kinda friendly though. And when I told him I wanted to be a writer he said he hoped to see my work in ten years. Then he said,

"Congratulations! Your visa has been approved."

He was actually quite cute. Chinese American. Or at least a Chinese guy with a very convincing American accent. But I don't think you can fake that accent.

So it's done!!!!! There's only one way to celebrate a momentous occasion like this. With.....



ALCOHOL! Hehehe. *Hic*

I took my ladylike ass and had me a cocktail and a burger. Mmmmmm.

My mouth is still watering at the thought of that Downtown Tokyo burger. Deep fried softshell crab. Wasabi mayo. Rocket. Heaven. Mmmmmm.

Must I paint you a picture?

Lately I've really had to plan my life around taking meds and being really careful about what I eat and don't eat. All part of the process of recovering from anemia. It's also a gradual start to rethinking how I live to deal with an underlying condition I've been diagnosed for a while.

It gets depressing as hell sometimes. And I will be very glad if I never have to walk into a hospital/drs office in the next year or so.

I was getting my medical for the states sorted and my mum said she had lost my baby immunization book. So we had no proof of my shots. The doctor said I would have to get quite a few shots again. Including the polio one I think.

Geez man...if I'm 21 and have no signs of developing polio thus far what are the odds right? I was really pissed at my mum...specially since she had my brother's baby book.

Maybe a bit unfair since she probably wasn't expecting that to come in handy 20 years later. But I didn't really want to get anything more jabbed into me.

Things are looking up though! She found the baby book. Due to my guilt tripping about her being a negligent mother who loved my brother more (I know, I'm going to hell) she went through her records a third time.

She finally found it. So I can skip the unnecessary shots. Yay!

So even though it feels like I'm swimming upstream sometimes I have to remember it's not all bad. It could be worse.

And something I didn't know I wanted is just around the corner waiting to make me happy. I just know it.

Now I just have to believe that for a while.

I'm dreaming of a different horizon

I woke up this morning smiling and so happy. I haven't done that in a long time. Which is a shame...life's too short to be sad all the time. Not that I'm sad all the time. Just bored a lot of the time.

I'd had the most amazing dream. Sam was in it! I was just so happy to be with one of my oldest friends, even if it was just a dream. Sappy huh?

But I really miss all my friends. There's a long list of people who are not here anymore and may never come back to Malaysia.

Sam, Ming, Son, Galvin, Marsha, Marcus.

Not that long. But out of that list I've known some of those people since I was seven...been friends with them since I was nine or ten. And now I only get to see them once a year and who knows what will happen when we all start work in different corners of the world.

I must have been having a major nostalgia trip last night because I started thinking about my trip to Sabah. It was one of the best holidays I've had in a long time. I got to hang out with Son in her hometown and see a part of Malaysia that I've never really seen.

Everyone's moving away and I can't wait to as well.

I'm a little nervous about my visa after my British visa fiasco last year. I hope that all goes well with my US visa. I'm waiting for my I-20 form from Sarah Lawrence and hoping it won't mess up my travel plans to NZ. Sigh...I hate bureaucracy.

There's nothing to do but wait.

Changing Perspective

Sometimes the things you've always known change. The truth, once immutable, becomes laughably false.

Maybe because you've changed your position. Instead of standing with your nose to the painting you're standing across the room and can see the vulgarity of the whole picture.

Or you have a vital piece of information that makes everything else you've ever known turn hollow and devoid of meaning.

But it's nice to know that some things never change.

Like the fact that my mum's banana pancakes are the best.

:)

Bring Forth the Flux Capacitator!

Dunno what my title means? Shame on you if you were a kid from the 90's. Now go watch Back to the Future.

I watched all the movies from that franchise endlessly as a kid. But the original is the one that I remember best.

Because I like writing and literature I tend to end up analyzing things too much. When you have spent a lot of time extracting the different connotations of a word used in a sentence or a poem it's probably not too far fetched to say you're like that in real life.

I'm not anal retentive. I swear, though I think that I might have an oral fixation.

This habit gets worse (the analyzing, not putting things in my mouth) when I have too much time on my hands. Lately, whether due to nostalgia or not I'm not sure, I've been reading my old journals.

It's funny to look back at what I was thinking and doing two or three years ago. Some of it is painfully naive and some of it surprisingly informed. Some parts of my journals seem to have this sense of terrible foreshadowing...reading it now it's all filled with dramatic irony. Seeing as how things turned out.

So would I do things differently if I could go back in time? Some things, but not everything. Some things were meant to be and some things were just mistakes.

I used to be obsessed with the idea of erasing some of my memories, courtesy of watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. But you know what I think now? There's nothing freeing about divorcing yourself from the past.

Your past is there for a reason. You have the choice to learn from it. Without it you could make all the same mistakes again.

So I guess...no regrets.

But I'd still say, "Meet me in Montauk."

I got my mojo back.

Yessssssss.

XD

Alone Time

Part of what drives me crazy about being at home all day is not having alone time. Sure I could lock myself in my room...but it's not the same.

So I went out under my father's slightly disapproving eye (omg I feel 16 again!) to go look for second hand books.

I've decided to read all the Jane Austen there is...and actually just catch up on my reading in general. I feel like I've missed out on all the really great classics due to school, general laziness, and other things.

It was so nice to go look at books and wonder at all the potential of a good story in the pages. To thumb through, look at the recommended books, think of what I could read next. I always end up buying books...not always reading them. I have a lot of unread books waiting for me.

Right now I'm reading Pride and Prejudice (Marsha said we can't be friends unless I read this...and I see why). Still labouring through the last 100 or so pages of The Golden Notebook...and itching to read something new already.

It's kind of the middle of the year but I feel like making some resolutions:

• Read more
• Get into a writing schedule
• Tidy my room (this btw has been on my to do list forever and will always be something I need to do...sigh)

I'm looking at least another month of enforced rest to recover. Grr.

Welcome To A Mad Tea Party

Okay so I'm really bored. I can't leave the house much. I went out to dinner with the stepbrother last night and we were only out for a couple of hours and I was pretty tired after that.

And I'm sick of talking about how I'm a pathetic Victorian maiden stuck wasting away at home (so maybe reading Pride and Prejudice is not helping). So I thought I'd blog about something more pleasant.

Before all the drama that anemia has brought to my life (who would've thought I'd write a sentence like that ;D ), I went to a very special birthday party.

Becky Harding invited me to her birthday...with strict instructions to wear a hat. The theme was a Mad Hatter's Tea Party. You know that great scene in Alice in Wonderland where she's at the tea party? It's probably one of the most iconic parts of the book.




Some of us took the mad hat theme more seriously than others. Here I am with the youngest Harding and his very dashing lampshade hat.



This is a bad picture. Hmmm....but I am really lazy to take it down and put a better one up. There were lots of cupcakes there. Becky's mum made some really gorgeous chocolate ones. These beauties were from Wondermilk.


Here I am with Val and the birthday girl who was the Mad Hatter. Fitting. As you can see Val went all out with her hat too.


And the piece de resistance...the hat shaped cake. Three layers of moist butter cake with the best buttercream icing piped onto it.

It was a great party and everyone was very sporting and came with a hat. Though some people abandoned their headgear at some point. Can you tell I was a sexy cop?

How was your Monday?

So...you know that whole anemia thing? It went from bad to worse. I ended up in the hospital.

I wasn't feeling very good on Monday and went in to get a blood test to see what my hemoglobin levels were. The lab called my doctor urgently at 4 to tell her they were at dangerously low levels. So she called the house to say I needed to get to the hospital asap.

It was very dramatic. My mother drove me into the emergency section of Assunta and they wheeled me into the ICU in a wheelchair. I would've laughed but I didn't have the energy, which made me realize for the first time that this was probably serious.

They had to take another blood sample. I was dreading this bit because no one can find my veins properly. So the nurse was prodding about before she called another nurse to come play stick the needle in something that is not a vein with me.

Everyone agreed that I needed a blood transfusion at about 4 in the evening. So when did I get the blood transfusion? 5 hours later. Brilliant.

My poor mummy I think she was really freaked out. I don't think you ever want your kids to be in pain or have a hospital stay. I told her I'd be ok for her to go home and I could handle staying in the hospital on my own.

She said no and I'm glad she stayed. It would have been one long night without her. It could've been a sleepover, we talked a lot during the night since I couldn't really sleep during the transfusion. I couldn't sleep because the nurses kept coming in every hour to check my temperature and blood pressure.

I had two units of B+ plugged into me. Despite the initial difficulty of getting the needle into my hand it went pretty quickly. I was so glad to get that needle out of my hand man. You have no idea.

I got out of the hospital the next day with strict orders not to overexert myself. Eat lots of food with iron and rest. I hate this. I hardly ever get sick so it sucks to feel not 100% myself.

Sigh...

Just when I got my car back. I have to sit at home and rest. FTW.

Oh...and I'm sure that y'all are gonna wanna know how I lost all that blood. My dad told John Joseph who came to visit me that I got knocked down by a car. Poor dude. I had to tell him the truth, him and practically all my guy friends the truth.

Which is that I had a heavy period. That is how I lost more than half the blood that's supposed to be in my body. For serious. I'm embarrassed too. Further proof, in my opinion, that God is not a woman.

But I'm ok now. Though I wish some of you could've come with Rachel to visit me and keep me company while I waited for the blood to come. Or brought me a DVD player...the TV in the hospital is just awful I tell you. Like 4 Chinese channels, one Indian channel, 8tv, some Malay channels (including some super melodramatic Indonesian shows), and one channel that played really, really bad English movies.

The food wasn't too bad though. I'm all about the silver linings.

I'm Anemic Royalty

So apparently I am anemic right now...due to blood loss. No I didn't try to slit my wrists over the weekend. Have not been involved in a car accident. Do not have a vampire boyfriend...though if True Blood is anything to go by that would be awesome.

I'm feeling very sorry for myself. As someone who does not get sick very often it sucks ass to feel weak and headachey. I get winded walking fast...not cool at all.

Here are the Pros and Cons of Anemia According to Me

Pros

I finally get to live out my Victorian fantasy of wasting away and looking pale

I'm pale...apparently this is mistaken for fair in Asia. Fair=Pretty. Yay.

Cons

No energy to do anything but lie in bed.

I'm so pale that my lips are white.

Headaches.

Conclusion? Anemia=bad. The Victorian fantasy is only worth living out if there is a concerned young gentleman who comes to call on you in hopes his very presence will spur you into recovering so that you might consummate your passionate but chaste love affair.

I have no gentleman on hand. Victorian or otherwise. Feel free to feel sorry for me.

Love you all.

Gnocci in the Afternoon

The problem with bumming for a long period of time is that you run out of people to bum with. Sunday nights are particularly bad...cos everyone is going to bed early or at least staying in getting ready for work and school on Monday.

Which means that Mondays I usually have nothing to do. Guitar (which I will blog about soon) at 3 and then Jazzercise at 6. I live the life of a tai tai, minus the income and the husband. :D

My afternoons are pretty empty usually...so when anyone is up for something unusual in the afternoon I'm all for it. My friend Shu Ruei asked me randomly if I could come over and help her finish all the tomatoes in her house...how many of you get texts like that? This is why my friends are awesome.

She warned me that she was going to attempt making gnocci (dumpling in case your Italian is a little shaky). We were making potato gnocci.


It's a pretty involved process. I came over at 12.30 and there was a lot of work to do. Boiling and mashing the potatoes. Adding flour to the mash to make a dough. Shaping the dough. It's probably not the best meal to make when you're stressed. But neither me or Ruei have much to stress us out in our lives I think.

Having taken a pottery class Shu Ruei is better than I am at shaping gnocci. Hers came out all neat and purty.

She beats the stereotype of the messy artist. Look at her gnocci all lined up to be boiled in the pot.

We were famished when we sat down to eat. So it tasted pretty good. It helped I suppose that the tomato and pork sauce she made was fab. Mmmm...my mouth waters thinking about the smoky taste of bacon that lingered just beneath the rich tomato sauce.

I also made a Greek salad. Look at all the colours! I forgot to ask Ruei if she was lactose intolerant...and she is. Luckily though the feta I brought was goat's cheese and that's okay for her to eat. But still she doesn't like to eat too much cheese just in case.

It was a great lunch and she even played guitar and sang for me. I actually jumped a little in my chair when she started singing. I never expected her to sound like that...as one of her friends so aptly put it, "You speak like a girl, but you sing like a woman."

I need to practise guitar a lot more to come even close to how good she is.

Since I got back I've been hanging out with one of my older friends a lot. And he lives pretty unconventionally for someone in his 30's...I once told him he was a man living like a teenager. But all props to him.

I dun wanna be a grown up...it's overrated. He said he can't date someone with a normal job cos she'd be too tired to hang out late at night and she's only free on the wekeends when he's working.

I'm not sure what my work schedule will be like in the future but if it all goes to plan I won't need to wake up to beat rush hour traffic or wear a business suit. I actually don't mind the business suit part too much. Have you watched Samantha Who? I like all her work clothes. But a 9-5 job? Jhgdfigofsfadern. Translation, kill me please.

I want a man who's up for a trip in the middle of the week. Who can stay up all night talking with me and then have pancakes and spend the day in bed.

Fragmented

I just the typed Gragmented twice instead of Fragmented in the title section. Ish.

I don't feel like I'm fully in the present right now.

A part of me is in London. A part of me is still sixteen. A part of me is in New York already. And a dozen other pieces of me are scattered around in random parts of my memory.

I don't want to be where I am anymore. This part of my life is over already. But I'm still stuck in it.

All around me everyone is heart broken.

It's been a while since I felt like my heart was broken. My god am I glad that that's behind me.

But now I don't know if I'll ever feel like I did when I was 18 and falling in love.

Why so emo?

Loooookeee Here!

I don't always check my blog email as regularly as my work email. I check my work email almost five times a day. I keep forgetting about this blog email. Hehehe.

A couple of days ago I got an email asking me for an interview. It's for a website that gathers interviews by authors and experts on lots of different things. So syok sendiri.

You can read my interview here.