This is How Deborah Lives Life

I think that I've changed a lot. I noticed some of the changes, and others were pointed out to me by people I've recently met.

I'm not as shy as I used to be but I still think of myself as socially awkward.

I'm not as angry and pissed off as I used to be. I've finally realized that hating people and things takes up a lot of energy and that energy is better channeled into something more productive. Yes Rachel, you can say I told you so.

I'm a lot more cautious now.

I used to be really impulsive, and I never saw it as a bad thing. But when I got older I could see how the whole leaping before looking thing can not work out so great. So I've been trying to be a little more careful.

It's great and all not completely falling all over the place and waking up in the morning not going, "Oh shit...did I really do that?"

But it's also kind of boring. And sometimes it's really boring.

In the last few weeks I've discovered that my impulsiveness (spontaneity?) isn't completely dead. And I'm glad.

Must I paint you a picture?

Lately I've really had to plan my life around taking meds and being really careful about what I eat and don't eat. All part of the process of recovering from anemia. It's also a gradual start to rethinking how I live to deal with an underlying condition I've been diagnosed for a while.

It gets depressing as hell sometimes. And I will be very glad if I never have to walk into a hospital/drs office in the next year or so.

I was getting my medical for the states sorted and my mum said she had lost my baby immunization book. So we had no proof of my shots. The doctor said I would have to get quite a few shots again. Including the polio one I think.

Geez man...if I'm 21 and have no signs of developing polio thus far what are the odds right? I was really pissed at my mum...specially since she had my brother's baby book.

Maybe a bit unfair since she probably wasn't expecting that to come in handy 20 years later. But I didn't really want to get anything more jabbed into me.

Things are looking up though! She found the baby book. Due to my guilt tripping about her being a negligent mother who loved my brother more (I know, I'm going to hell) she went through her records a third time.

She finally found it. So I can skip the unnecessary shots. Yay!

So even though it feels like I'm swimming upstream sometimes I have to remember it's not all bad. It could be worse.

And something I didn't know I wanted is just around the corner waiting to make me happy. I just know it.

Now I just have to believe that for a while.

I'm dreaming of a different horizon

I woke up this morning smiling and so happy. I haven't done that in a long time. Which is a shame...life's too short to be sad all the time. Not that I'm sad all the time. Just bored a lot of the time.

I'd had the most amazing dream. Sam was in it! I was just so happy to be with one of my oldest friends, even if it was just a dream. Sappy huh?

But I really miss all my friends. There's a long list of people who are not here anymore and may never come back to Malaysia.

Sam, Ming, Son, Galvin, Marsha, Marcus.

Not that long. But out of that list I've known some of those people since I was seven...been friends with them since I was nine or ten. And now I only get to see them once a year and who knows what will happen when we all start work in different corners of the world.

I must have been having a major nostalgia trip last night because I started thinking about my trip to Sabah. It was one of the best holidays I've had in a long time. I got to hang out with Son in her hometown and see a part of Malaysia that I've never really seen.

Everyone's moving away and I can't wait to as well.

I'm a little nervous about my visa after my British visa fiasco last year. I hope that all goes well with my US visa. I'm waiting for my I-20 form from Sarah Lawrence and hoping it won't mess up my travel plans to NZ. Sigh...I hate bureaucracy.

There's nothing to do but wait.

Bring Forth the Flux Capacitator!

Dunno what my title means? Shame on you if you were a kid from the 90's. Now go watch Back to the Future.

I watched all the movies from that franchise endlessly as a kid. But the original is the one that I remember best.

Because I like writing and literature I tend to end up analyzing things too much. When you have spent a lot of time extracting the different connotations of a word used in a sentence or a poem it's probably not too far fetched to say you're like that in real life.

I'm not anal retentive. I swear, though I think that I might have an oral fixation.

This habit gets worse (the analyzing, not putting things in my mouth) when I have too much time on my hands. Lately, whether due to nostalgia or not I'm not sure, I've been reading my old journals.

It's funny to look back at what I was thinking and doing two or three years ago. Some of it is painfully naive and some of it surprisingly informed. Some parts of my journals seem to have this sense of terrible foreshadowing...reading it now it's all filled with dramatic irony. Seeing as how things turned out.

So would I do things differently if I could go back in time? Some things, but not everything. Some things were meant to be and some things were just mistakes.

I used to be obsessed with the idea of erasing some of my memories, courtesy of watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. But you know what I think now? There's nothing freeing about divorcing yourself from the past.

Your past is there for a reason. You have the choice to learn from it. Without it you could make all the same mistakes again.

So I guess...no regrets.

But I'd still say, "Meet me in Montauk."

Fragmented

I just the typed Gragmented twice instead of Fragmented in the title section. Ish.

I don't feel like I'm fully in the present right now.

A part of me is in London. A part of me is still sixteen. A part of me is in New York already. And a dozen other pieces of me are scattered around in random parts of my memory.

I don't want to be where I am anymore. This part of my life is over already. But I'm still stuck in it.

All around me everyone is heart broken.

It's been a while since I felt like my heart was broken. My god am I glad that that's behind me.

But now I don't know if I'll ever feel like I did when I was 18 and falling in love.

Why so emo?